(I don't know about funny, but ... Note to everyone who appears in this: No
disrespect meant. I love you all, really.)

THE NIELDS EPISODE 15: "EASY PEOPLE"
Credit sequence: The Nields doing zany stuff as the theme song plays:

Here we come
With a folk-rock beat
Down past the ol' Iron Horse
And into Hoxsey Street
Hey hey we're the Nields
Marchin' to the Nooker raves
Just two beautiful sisters
And a whole buncha Daves
We just wanna be singin'
Dissonantly wail and growl
And if you live near Falcon Ridge
We're probably goin' to your town

CAMERA IN on the zany, whacky, zany, crazy Nields House (did I mention
zany?). KATRYNA and NERISSA are watching Law and Order on TV.
NERISSA: Mmm, that Sam Waterson. What a hunk!
KATRYNA: Is that woman Laura?
NERISSA: Laura who?
KATRYNA: Laura Norder. You know, the one the show's about!
NERISSA: I should never have dropped that watermelon on your head when you
were six.
(Door opens. Enter DAVID to huge round of applause.)
DAVID: Lo! For verily I hath returned from my day job. Shall I not take up
thy lute and serenade yon fair maidens?
NERISSA: Doing Shakespeare again, huh?
DAVID: Is it obvious?
NERISSA: Uh-huh.
(Bedroom door opens. DAVE C walks out. We quickly see about 40 musicians
rehearsing in there.)
NERISSA: How's the recording going, Dave?
DAVE C: Uh, well, Beth Amsel's finished her next album, and the Kennedys are
just about to record their new one, only we dropped a fingerpick and it went
under the bed, so I'm doing the new Moxy disc while they look for it.
KATYRNA: Hi, snuggle bunny!
DAVE C: Hey, sugar drawers. Hey, didn't I ask you to make us some coffee?
KATRYNA: Coffee?! Oh honey, I thought you said coffin! (She holds up a
coffin made out of old planks.)
DAVE C: Aw huggy-muggy. That's so sweet.
(Door opens quickly. TEd sticks his head in.)
TEd: That's debatable!
(Door closes, HUGE laugh. Nields look bemused.)
DAVE C: Hey, where's Hower?
NERISSA: Oh, he's bringing his drums downstairs.
(At that moment we hear a huge CRASH as Hower falls downstairs, drums
bouncing down around him.)
HOWER: YARRGHHHHH!!!!!!
(Audience CACKS ITSELF laughing, much applause.)
KATRYNA: Oh Hower, did you find my banana peel? I think I left it on the
stairs.
HOWER: Yeah, I THINK I may have run into it.
(Audience asphyxiates laughing.)
(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
PATTY (as the LANDLORD): Are you kids in there? You're too damn noisy! And
if you don't have the rent by tomorrow ... YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!!!
NERISSA: Oh no! How much money do we have?
DAVID: I hath eighty dollars.
DAVE C: I have ten bucks. Recording tape's expensive.
HOWER: I have six dimes. So that's, uh, two quarters and a dime.
KATRYNA: I had some money, but I spent it on these magic beans!
NERISSA: Great. There's only thing for it ...
(CUT to street outside. The band are set up and are busking.)
NERISSA AND KATRYNA: I know what kind of love this is ...
DAR WILLIAMS (walking past in a long black evening dress): Hey, nice song!
I'll give you ten bucks for it.
KATRYNA: Okay.
NERISSA: No, hang on! It took me at least half an hour to write that. I'm
not gonna sell it for ten bucks!
DAR WILLIAMS: Curses! (Thinks) I must figure out a cunning plan ...
NERISSA: Hey, here come a whole bunch of Nookers! They're sure to give us
some money. They're easy, people!
(BAND begins to play.)
TRAPPER JOHN (pushing past): Young people today! Get out of my way, you
whipper-snappers. People had more respect in the sixties, back when Coolidge
was President ...
HARRY (with video camera): Smile, folks!
CONE: I want 2 hear something by the Dead. (looks at his hand) Wow, it's all
shimmery! It wasn't like that B 4 ...
TEd: That's debatable!
Scott: Hay Ted, your wrongh abot that ...
(BERN and BRANDY go past arguing good-naturedly. They drop something into
the hat.)
NERISSA: Thank you, thank you, thank -- hey! This is a button!
(cut to the BAND sitting around.)
NERISSA: How much did we get?
DAVID (looking): Verily, a buck and change.
NERISSA (sighs): Easy people are stupid.
(Enter DAR WILLIAMS, dressed in a short black thing but wearing an obviously
fake moustache.)
DAR WILLIAMS: Hello, I'm Bruce Springsteen. I am from New Jersey you know,
and I was born to run.
NERISSA AND KATRYNA (dropping to their knees): Brooce! Brooce!
DAR WILLIAMS: Yes, Nields girls, I have heard your song IKWKOLTI and I would
like to buy it for ten bucks.
NERISSA: BUY it? Just TAKE it, oh great one!
KATRYNA: And here, have these magic beans!
(Enter THE REAL BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN)
BRUCE: Hold it!
KATRYNA: Oh my God! There's TWO Bruce Springsteens! How can we tell which
one is real?!
BRUCE: What, are you kidding? That moustache is obviously false! And when
was the last time I wore a dress?
NERISSA: Um, Meadowlands 1987?
BRUCE: Oh yeah. Well, how about this? (sings Born In The USA) Okay, now you
try!
DAR WILLIAMS: Uh ... (pointing) Oh look, the babysitter's here! (Everyone
looks and she runs off in the opposite direction)
BRUCE: And that's the real reason there'll be no Cry Cry Cry second album.
Nields, you've saved my reputation. I want to give you this thousand bucks.
NERISSA: Ooh! Thank you, Bruce!
DAVID: We can payeth the rent!
(Cut to footage of the band chasing each other on a beach while 'Easy
People' plays. Cut to the band sitting on the sofa watching TV.)
NERISSA: Mmm, that Sam Waterson is a hunk.
KATYRNA: Hey, does anyone want a magic bean?
NERISSA (rolling her eyes): Oh sure. (Takes it and throws it over her
shoulder. A beat, then a rumble is heard as a huge VINE springs out of
nowhere and crashes through the ceiling, taking the sofa with it.)
NEXT WEEK: "The Nields and the Beanstalk". Same Nields-time, same
Nields-channel!