Once upon a time, there was an electronic village called "the Niche". At the center of attention and affection of the entire village were The Five Great Heroes, the virtues of which were a subject of frequent conversation.

In this village there lived a young lad named Narcissmo, who had three great cravings. The first thing he craved was debate. He was a clever lad, and crafty with words, and so was an excellent debater. As Nichers were of widely varying opinions and beliefs, there was a nearly endless supply of topics for debate within its bounds.

The second thing Narcissmo craved was winning. He would attack a position from all sides until he had proven his cleverness without a shadow of a doubt, or at least until his opponents had succumbed to exhaustion. As most Nichers were not well practiced in debate, and indeed did not understand that any opinion they expressed Narcissmo might construe as debate, Narcissmo won often. This brought him great pride and satisfaction.

The third thing Narcissmo craved was attention. This craving was not as easily satisfied in the Niche as debating and winning, because there were other Nichers who were more handsome, more friendly, and more devoted to and knowledgeable of The Five Great Heroes than Narcissmo.

Now Narcissmo could never be the friendliest one in the Niche, because he didn't care squiddly what anyone in the Niche thought of him. He believed the other Nichers were merely inferior creatures there for his amusement, like 'nsync and britney at the superbowl half time show. Neither was Narcissmo handsome, and although looks did not guarantee attention in the Niche, some of the comely young lads and lasses did gain favor through their appearances. And Narcissmo was too young to have assembled encyclopedic knowledge of The Five Great Heroes, nor to have seen many of their exploits, owing to his being too young to direct a carriage or indeed attain entrance to many of the Great Halls where The Five Great Heroes gave audience.

Still, Narcissmo craved the attention of the Niche. One week while Narcissmo had been released from his lessons to allow his educators a period to recuperate, he grew dissatisfied with the fact that he was not the center of all attention in the Niche. So he decided to wait in the village square, and listen to every conversation, examining it for faulty logic so that he could practice his debating skills. As most Nichers were unaware that they were there for his fun, they were sitting ducks for his rapier-like intelligence which skewered them at every turn. This earned him some of the attention he craved.

Some Nichers attempted to win these debates, but found that Narcissmo could cut their feet out from under them (metaphorically speaking) at every turn. Others tried to tell Narcissmo that his behavior was not nice, that it was antisocial, that it was against the general principles that The Five Great Heros stood for. Which only gave Narcissmo more opportunities to demonstrate their inferior debating skills. Still others wrote humorous stories to deride Narcissmo's fetish for attention and discord. To no avail, as to Narcissmo anything and everything was a contest to be won. And he was very good at winning. All this brought him still more of the attention he so craved.

Eventually, the Nichers appealed to the Chief Judge to have Narcissmo silenced, which she did for a time. But one of the precepts of The Five Great Heroes was that all should be allowed to live in the Niche no matter how annoying. Narcissmo argued his case against the Chief Judge, who had no choice but to remove the temporary sanction she had placed upon Narcissmo. Such was the skill of Narcissmo that not only did he win in debate against the Chief Judge, but he also painted himself as the victim in the village, deserving of the sympathy and support of all who lived there. Which gained him even more of the attention he craved.

Nichers who were not friends of Narcissmo soon realized that there was nothing they could do about this abrasive presence in their village. They did their best to avoid him, no longer seeking to win his approval or friendship, no longer seeking to educate him on the pleasures of being nice, no longer attempting to "put him in his place" with their obviously not-superior wisdom or intellect. Some of these grew weary of constant debate, and left the Niche. Some grew quiet, and said little that could be construed as taking any opinion which might be debated. And some plotted for a sweet revenge which would expose Narcissmo as the intolerant, obnoxious little son-of-Limbaugh he was...

That revenge would never come, of course. Because Narcissmo was the best debater, and Narcissmo always won. And now, Narcissmo was the center of attention, having supplanted even The Five Great Heroes in the Niche's conversation.

And Narcissmo lived happily ever after.

The End.

© 2001